The Double Standard was once at the pinnacle of the publishing world. The New York Times used to tremble at the whisper of our gossip column and the world shook with our earthquake coverage. The Great Depression hit us hard, and there wasn't enough Zoloft to go around. Since then, the Double Standard has appeared vicariously through other publications. We claim credit for everything published by the New Yorker from 1953-1995 and all Onion articles 1998-2014. Despite hard times, the Double Standard is still considered a reputable news source in the following locales: The South. But unlike the South, we shall rise again.
In other news, why does Dick Cheney look so sad these days? I remember when Dick was a peppy little fellow with a full tuft of hair, carefree, running through valleys flowing with milk and honey. Those days are over now, but they live on in the sparkle of his eye, and we'll always remember it. Maybe we shouldn't have taken his lollipop. Sorry, Dick.
Or is that the smug bastard scowling? Taking that lollipop was definitely worth it, even though it was poopoo-flavored. That man has some weird taste in candy. There is nothing quite as useless as a poopoo-flavored lollipop. Except maybe a foam hammer.
